I’ll feel more comfortable with a drink. For the longest time, I would show up at a party and make a beeline for the bar. And as soon as I had a glass in my hand, I just felt more at ease and more like myself. Which also meant that the thought of socializing without a drink to smooth the way was not so appealing. This is episode 445 and I’m giving you ideas for how to start questioning the belief that you’re more comfortable with a drink in your hand.

Whether you want to drink less or stop drinking, this podcast will help you change the habit from the inside out. We’re challenging conventional wisdom about why people drink and why it can be hard to resist temptation. No labels, no judgment, just practical tools to take control of your desire and stop worrying about your drinking. Now, here’s your host, Rachel Hart.

Today, I’m going to give you some thought swaps, ideas for how to start poking holes in the belief that you are more comfortable in social situations with a drink. Now, if you are doubtful that anything can convince you that this isn’t true, I get it. I started drinking when I was 17, and it was the first thing that truly helped me feel less anxious in social situations. In fact, when I started drinking, I thought those red Solo cups filled with jungle juice were pretty much the best thing ever. To me, it was like they contained a magic elixir that just melted away all my awkwardness and insecurities so I could just have fun.

But here’s the problem, and it’s a problem that so many of the people I work with also face. If you feel more comfortable with a drink in your hand in social situations, then you also probably feel way less comfortable without one. And who wants that? No one. Plus, if having a drink is the key to feeling comfortable, then trying to say no or cutting back isn’t just a matter of resisting temptation, it’s about willingly embracing discomfort. Which, I don’t know about you, but as someone who has struggled with a lot of social anxiety, that was not exactly something I wanted more of in life.

So I’m going to give you some ideas for how to counter this story in a believable, non-judgmental way. This is key. It has to be believable. If you want to drink less, you can’t just run around telling yourself that alcohol is bad for you because if you try to cut back by focusing on all the harms or by trying to avoid all the situations that make you feel uncomfortable, it’s just not going to work long term. Because as much as I would at times romanticize the idea of being a hermit, I did actually want to live in the real world with real people, and that meant socializing.

Avoiding real life is not a great strategy for long-term changing your habits and your patterns around drinking. By the way, this excuse often shows up with the Mask archetype. If you’re new to my work, there are eight different drink archetypes that help explore the underlying patterns behind your drinking and why it’s hard to say no. The Mask archetype is all about associating drinking with feeling more confident around others. And when this archetype is activated, saying no to a drink interferes with your desire to enjoy yourself around other people, which makes it harder to say no or to moderate.

Also, if you’re wondering, the Mask is different from the Connector archetype, which is more about maintaining social and emotional bonds. But if you want to understand the ins and outs of all the drink archetypes better and find out where you rank with all eight, you can take my free quiz at FindYourDrinkType.com.

So here are three swaps to help you poke holes in this story that a drink will make you feel more comfortable. Swap number one: masking your discomfort is not the same thing as being someone who is comfortable in their own skin. This was a huge realization for me because what I wanted and what most people want deep down is to feel comfortable as themselves.

I thought that’s what drinking was doing for me. I’d feel anxious, so I’d pour a drink, my anxiety would quiet down, I’d become more social and voila, I was suddenly magically comfortable in my own skin. But I wasn’t deep down because I didn’t know how to create true comfort with myself. I only knew how to mask my discomfort. This shift was really important. It changed how I viewed the drink. Instead of being this magic elixir, I started to see it for what it really was: a temporary mask. And yeah, I still wanted that mask sometimes, but I started to see that it was never going to get me what I really craved, which was just to feel comfortable with myself, no matter who I was around.

Here’s swap number two. A drink can soften the edges of your anxiety, but it will always sharpen your self-doubt later. I knew this to be so true. Sure, I’d feel less anxious at the party, but the next day, I had so much self-doubt. Was I too loud? Was that joke I made actually really obnoxious? Was I being rude when I thought I was being funny? Did I make a terrible impression? I would be filled with self-doubt the next day, and it felt awful. So sure, it softened the edges of my anxiety in the moment, but it wasn’t actually turning me into someone who was comfortable in her own skin. I was just wearing a mask, but more importantly, it was going on to sharpen all the self-doubt that already plagued me.

I can’t even begin to tell you how often I would text a friend asking for reassurance that I hadn’t made a fool of myself the night before. And you know what? Even when they told me I had nothing to worry about, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I had probably embarrassed myself or said something stupid. So yeah, drinking wasn’t really making me more comfortable; it was sharpening my self-doubt.

And finally, swap number three. Drinking feels like comfort, but it creates dependence. And I don’t mean becoming physically dependent on alcohol. I just mean feeling like you need it in certain situations. I didn’t want to feel like I needed to drink in social situations. Sure, it temporarily made me feel more comfortable, but deep down, I hated feeling like it wasn’t optional.

I never would have framed it this way to other people, but back then, part of me really believed I needed a drink when I was meeting new people or before heading out to a party, and sometimes even when I was seeing people that I knew and liked. And I hated that about it. I didn’t want to need it. Yes, I wanted to have fun, and yes, I wanted to enjoy myself. But deep down, I also wanted drinking to feel optional, and back then, it didn’t. Because for so long, I told myself that I would be more comfortable with a drink, and the more I repeated that pattern, the less optional it became for me.

So these are just three swaps for you to start playing with. Again, the goal here is just to start poking holes in the stories that can feel so intensely true and keep you stuck in the habit. If you want to understand more about how the Mask archetype works or how it relies on stories like, “I’ll feel more comfortable with a drink,” and if you want to learn about what your brain is learning when this archetype is activated, take the quiz at FindYourDrinkType.com or check out The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Less. This is my 200-page guide that breaks down all of the archetypes and how to work with them so that you can have a healthier relationship with alcohol. You can find out more about the guide at RachelHart.com.

Hey guys, you already know that drinking less has plenty of health benefits. But did you know that the work you do to change your relationship with alcohol will help you become more of the person you want to be in every part of your life?

Learning how to manage your brain and your cravings is an investment in your physical, emotional and personal wellbeing. And that’s exactly what’s waiting for you when you join my membership Take a Break.

Whether you want to drink less, drink rarely, or not at all, we’ll help you figure out a relationship with alcohol that works for you. We’ll show you why rules, drink plans, and Dry January so often fail, and give you the tools you need to feel in control and trust yourself.

So, head on over to RachelHart.com and sign up today, because changing the habit is so much easier when you stop trying to go it alone.